The Kam Family

I'll have a blue Christmas ...

2011-12-20T21:24:00.000-08:00

I just can't seem to get into the holiday spirit, other than doing things for Colin. I still feel like I'm just going through the motions. It actually kinda feels harder than last year, oddly enough. Time doesn't always heal, at least not right away.

I saw him yesterday, and it's been a while. I was cleaning out the hall closet, out of sheer frustration and nervous energy (shouldn't I have been wrapping presents or finish decorating the tree?). Sitting there on the floor, refolding towels and sheets, disposing of expired medicines and old nail polish. And there he was, standing above me with the same old pajama pants and white T-shirt, looking down at me with a sweet half smile half smirk that I had been accustomed to - as is to say "honey, you should go to bed now and not worry about that". For one split second ... then gone. No, I'm not crazy. It happens from time to time (though less frequently now) - I either see him, or hear his words in my head. I know he will always be looking out for us.

I miss him now more than ever. This will be our 3rd Christmas without Damien. So hard to believe! I miss having someone to share all of life's joys with.

Looking forward to starting a new year.

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Thought I couldn't live without you
Its gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

~Leona Lewis

2011-11-06T22:05:00.000-08:00

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,

there will be an answer, let it be.

For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,

there will be an answer. let it be.

I'm still waiting for the answer ...

Our Anniversary

2011-10-16T21:00:00.000-07:00

Today would have been our 7th Wedding Anniversary, and we would have been together for nearly 12 years. Sometimes I still feel "married", though I'm technically not. I still feel like a wife, though my husband is no longer here. I loved being married ... having a partner in life that I shared everything with. And I know that I'm lucky to have had such a happy, fulfilling marriage. I miss it. It can be very lonely at times, even though I'm surrounded by friends. I just miss him - he was my perfect match. I dread the thought of having to go through the dating process again. I don't even know if I'm ready ... I guess it would just depend on the guy and the situation. *sigh*

I spent some time today looking at our wedding photos and remembering that day, such a wonderful day! So many great memories, though painful still. I'm happy for the time we had together.

Happy Anniversary Damien. You will always have a piece of my heart.

My connection to 9/11

2011-09-13T21:11:00.000-07:00

The 10th Anniversary of 9/11. It's so hard to believe it's been that long. I remember it happening like it was yesterday. Damien & I were both up early - he for work (when he used to have to commute from Long Beach to Pasadena), and me for school. I had turned on the computer ... it was back when I had AOL, and it was there on the news page - an airplane had hit one of the World Trade Center towers. Damien was in the shower, and I ran to put the news on the TV. I yelled into the bathroom that something bad was happening. He came out of the shower, and we both watched in disbelief as it all unfurled in front of our eyes. A tragic day that would change everyone.

I have a connection to that horrible day. It's not because I knew someone who worked in the World Trade Center. It's not because I had a loved one aboard one of those 4 doomed flights. It's not even because I'm from New York, although my family lived there and my brother and sister were born there ... that was before my time. It's a connection that wouldn't come until eight years after the tragedy. 9/11 left thousands of wives and husbands without their spouses, and children with out a parent. In a matter of just minutes, they were gone. Unexpectedly and without warning. Little did I know at the time that I would be standing in their shoes. And though the circumstances were very different, the loss of Damien was tragic and unexpected none the less. My heart breaks for every single on of those families.

I watched some of the Memorial coverage on Sunday, and as I watched those families, and heard them speak, it gave me hope. By seeing that they survived, and could even move on while still keeping their loved ones close, gave me a glimmer of optimism. I am awed by their strength, and draw from it during my bad times. The greatest impact for me was seeing the children of 9/11 - healthy, happy, well-adjusted kids - they hold their deceased mothers or fathers in their hearts, but they seem "ok". It gives me confidence that I may raise my child the same way. Knowing that he can still feel close to his Dad that he hardly got the chance to know. I have this vision for Colin. I hope to have the ability to see it through. I have one idea for achieving this, and will keep you posted ...

There were a couple of readings that they gave at the 9/11 Memorial Service that I'd like to share:

Turn Again to Life

Mary Lee Hall

If I should die and leave you here a while,
be not like others sore undone,
who keep long vigil by the silent dust.
For my sake turn again to life and smile,
nerving thy heart and trembling hand
to do something to comfort other hearts than thine.
Complete these dear unfinished tasks of mine
and I perchance may therein comfort you.

From Ecclesiastes:

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

I hope to find happiness again, for Colin and I. Damien wouldn't want it any other way.

2 years

2011-08-28T23:08:00.000-07:00

Has it really been that long? Seems like yesterday, 6 months ago, 5 years ago ... just depending on the moment.

I remember my sister driving me home from the hospital that morning. It was bight, sunny, warm - the complete opposite of how I felt inside. My whole being felt numb and overwhelmed. All I could think about while sitting in the passengers seat of my car was how Damien & I were never going to do anything together again. As we passed by a few of our favorite restaurants, I thought "we are never going to eat together their again" - and the same thoughts went through my head for the shops, parks, and even the gym that we had frequented. It was such a sad helpless feeling. That I can remember like it was yesterday. I had no idea the hell I was going to go through - the absolute lows, the day-to-day struggles, the stress and extreme sadness. The gut-wrenching heartache that no one should ever have to know.

But somehow, I have survived. I've come a long way from that day. Not to say that it's "easier" ... I've just learned how to deal with things, and I've become used to the way things are, knowing that they are never going to go back to the way they were. Moving forward, but still looking back sometimes. I know that I just have to keep going, no matter what. Afterall, I have a little guy totally relying on me, and I can't let him down. And when things get bad, I still feel like Damien is here, guiding me.

Two steps forward, one step back. That's how it is sometimes.

My whole life plan has changed ... so what do I do now? Where will we go and how will we get there? I don't know ... not yet anyway. There's still so much to figure out, and I just try to take it one day at a time, and one project/problem at a time. At least I feel I am thinking with a slightly clearer head nowadays. I still miss Damien every day and think about him all the time. I know I always will ...

~Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end~

Landslide

2011-07-29T19:45:00.000-07:00

I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Till the landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky - What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don't know, I don't know

Well, I've been afraid of changin'
Because I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
And I'm getting older, too

So, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide will bring it down
The landslide will bring it down

Going, going ...

2011-07-28T22:22:00.000-07:00

Gone. Just like that. Damien's name has been removed from our mortgage. And I hated doing it. But upon the advice of a financial advisor, it has been recommended that I remove Damien's name off of all our bills and financial matters. I feel like I'm deleting him out of my life, and it's a horrible feeling. The next thing I have to tackle is his cell phone. I can't bring myself to turn it off yet, but it's a huge waste of money, and I don't have any money to waste. I'm giving myself 'til the end of summer ...

Just a tiny piece of all the heart-breaking details that need to be taken care of when someone passes away.

It's been almost 2 years already, and it's still hard to accept that he's gone sometimes. I still have those moments when I turn around and expect to see him standing there with that ever-present smile on his face. A smile that now only exists in photographs.

And sometimes, when Colin is sleeping, I'll sit and watch the airplanes taking off from John Wayne airport. It helps me remember all the wonderful trips Damien & I had taken together. And in some way, that brings me a little bit of peace.

And I'd like to think that when Colin and I are flying somewhere, we might just be a little bit closer to him ...

Fox Glacier, New Zealand, getting ready to climb

New Zealand - Damien with his favorite dessert, carrot cake

Keep Calm ...

2011-06-18T21:24:00.000-07:00

"This too shall pass, just keep calm and carry on ..."

This statement has become my motto, a daily mantra of sorts. Lately, I've been having to repeat it over and over again to maintain my sanity. These past few days have been hard, and I'm not exactly sure why. It's been a trail of never-ending confusion, stress, and worry, sadness and frustration, with some anxiety to top it all off. Could it be lack of sleep? The endless attention that my 3 year old all of a sudden requires and the whining/crying/falling apart that follows when he doesn't get what he wants? The flood of memories brought about by old photos? The fact that, as much as I try to ignore it, that Father's Day is tomorrow? The every day reality of having to go it on my own, without my partner to stand by me, help me, and hold me up? The lack of control that I feel over my life right now?

I've just felt out of sorts this past week ... and just hoping that this, too, shall pass.

This picture of Damien was from the 4th of July, 2009. It always amazed me that he could smile and truly be happy, no matter what. At this point, he had to wear the oxygen 24/7, and had a difficult time getting around. But he was happy to have his family & friends - just to be with us. I try to draw strength from that ... he has taught me a lot.

Just breathe ...

My absent mind ...

2011-05-29T22:46:00.000-07:00

There are still times when I feel like I've lost my mind ... literally - where did it go? Part of it comes from having a 3 year old, but I think most of it comes from the loss of my partner in life. There are still many times when I need him, and instinctively reach out for that which is no longer there ...
Last Monday, after having a rough morning with the toddler who woke up far too early for his (and my) own good, I managed to mindlessly slice off a good chunk of my pinkie finger with a mandolin. It was lunch time, and there I was with Colin sitting at the counter while I made him a sandwich. Then he said he really wanted some cucumber too, so out came the evil mandolin. I sat there slicing away, staring out the kitchen window, tired already and wishing I wasn't so alone in this - then bam, the burning pain of the cut. It bled like crazy, but I just grabbed some gauze and wrapping and figured a nice tight wrap would do the trick - which it did, for a while. So later that afternoon, as Colin woke from his nap, I thought I had better check on the cut, because it was really throbbing. The instant I removed the wrap, it started bleeding again - a lot! And at that very moment, for just one split second, my instinct was to call Damien. He would come home and watch the baby while I went to urgent care ... he would take care of everything ...

Was it from the pain in my finger, or in my heart, that caused this temporary mind lapse? This still happens from time to time. It's weird. It's sad. But it also goes to show how much he is still with me ... in my mind and heart. He made a profound impact on my life. And despite the outcome, I wouldn't change any of it. I only wish we had more time together, all of us, as a family.

My finger is doing ok, healing slowly. My mom came over to take care of Colin while I went to the doctor. And after all of that, he decided that he didn't want the cucumbers after all.

The single-parent life

2011-04-16T21:24:00.000-07:00

Doing double duty ... that's the story of my life now. It's hard. I realize that I only have one child, and so many other single parents have more - but none the less, it's hard.

Today I took Colin to see Bubble Fest at the Discovery Science Museum. It was a gift for Colin's birthday, and so exciting too, since it was our first time seeing the show. And it was totally worth it!!! But it's days like these that I really notice Damien's absence - first, because I know how much he would have loved it, and second, because of having to handle these things alone. It was Saturday, and therefore crowded. It was a special event, and therefore extra crowded. It was 90+ degrees outside - freakish for this time of year. It was loud in the museum with lots going on. I'm dragging around the stroller (next time it stays in the car!), my backpack, and my kid. My kid, who has a mind of his own and wants to see and touch everything. We had to wait in line inside the museum before the show - and I sadly (and jealously) watched other sets of parents. One would wait in line, while the other would play with the kid(s). I miss those days. I had to try to wait in line while kind of letting Colin play - which came to a halt the minute he disappeared behind a corner, and Mommy nearly had a heart attack! We finally got seated, exhausted and sweat dripping down my back, and the show started. Seeing the look on Colin's face - complete wonderment and happiness - and I know it's all worth it.

We had a great time :o) And I'm not complaining ... just learning how to handle it. Life's too short to sit on the sidelines. I'd rather have a little stress and sweat for the adventure.

Welcome to the single-parent life.

Colin inside a bubble - I think this was his favorite part!

After the show ...

Colin giving it a try

Time flies ...

2011-04-07T21:31:00.000-07:00

My baby turned 3 yesterday ... where has the time gone already? Having Colin was the best thing that ever happened to us, and I'm so glad that Damien got to experience being a Daddy, even if for a very short time. And although being a parent is the most difficult job in the world, I can't even begin to imagine my life without Colin in it. I love him more than I could ever think possible. And I know we share a strong bond. He is my parting gift from Damien, and in Colin, I will always have a piece of him.

So Happy Birthday to my little man - you amaze me every single day. And you mean more to me than you'll ever know! Mommy & Daddy are both so very proud of you! ♥ your Mommy

Just born! 4/6/08

Daddy & baby ... in awe of each other.

One week old

Nap time!

1st Birthday

Add caption

2nd Birthday

Sitting on a beach ball at his party :)

3rd Birthday

With his oldest friend, Avrum

moving forward while looking back

2011-04-05T22:51:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow our baby turns 3! It's so hard to believe, and time has gone by so fast. Tonight at dinner, we were talking about Daddy. Colin ate all of his dinner, so I let him have some mochi ice cream for dessert. Then I told him that ice cream was Daddy's all-time favorite thing to eat. He then made a heart-breaking statement to me - "I want to SEE Daddy!" All I could think to tell him was that he can "see" Daddy anytime he wants in the pictures, but that he's not here anymore. It's a difficult concept, and harder still to try to explain it to a 3-year-old.

So a friend suggested that I show videos of Damien to Colin, which I think is a great idea. Especially clips of the two of them together. He can then hear his voice again, see him moving around. The problem is that I haven't been able to watch any videos of Damien yet, and I'm afraid that when I do, I might break into a million little pieces all over again. I know some widows immediately start obsessing over videos of their lost partner. Then others, like me, aren't able to face it. Yet. The time will come. Maybe sooner than later ... I'm not sure. I still get a bit anxious just thinking about it.

We will miss Daddy tomorrow - the day our little man turns 3. It's so hard to move forward while looking back.

♥

The night before Colin's 1st Birthday

The night before Colin's 2nd Birthday

The night before Colin's 3rd Birthday

There's something missing ...

2011-03-22T22:00:00.000-07:00

A lot of people ask me if Colin knows what happened to his Daddy, if he wonders where Daddy is, etc. Up until now, I would say "no", mostly. He was only 16 months old when Damien passed away. But every night, he kisses Daddy's picture in his room, and says "goodnight Daddy, I love you Daddy".

But things have been changing lately. He's almost 3, and I think he's noticing that something is missing. Usually, when he's playing with his cars, trains, or stuffed animals, he'll often pretend that one is a "mommy" and one is a "baby" ... he's done this for a long time. But the past couple of days, he's has been including a "daddy". It would make sense ... after all, that's what he reads in books, sees on TV, and is around when we are with friends. A mommy, daddy, and baby(s). Tonight, I was reading one of his favorite books about an mother owl who has to leave her babies at night to search for food. One of the owl babies says "I want my mommy!". Colin followed by saying "I want my Daddy!". He just said it, not with a sad face or with any emotion ... just a statement. But it was heartbreaking none the less. He is realizing that his Daddy is missing from the picture. I think he's trying to figure it out, as much as a toddler can.

We include Daddy in a lot of our conversations ... "your Daddy really liked ice cream" or "that was Daddy's favorite color", etc. I tell him that Daddy passed away, he's no longer here, but he's in heaven watching over us. When Colin does something good or special, I tell him that Daddy must be very proud. I tell him that Daddy is always looking out after him.

Colin, who has always been a really good sleeper, has been waking up the last several nights ... he stands in his crib and calls out "mommy, mommy, mommy" until I come into his room. Then he lays back down and just wants me to put his blanket back on him. Tonight, my kid who normally loves his own space and his own crib, told me that he wanted to sleep with mommy. Something I only let him do when he's sick. But what could I do ... he's now curled up in my bed for the night.

A year and a half

2011-02-28T21:42:00.000-08:00

It's so hard for me to believe that so much time has passed already. It's been a year and a half today since Damien passed away. So much has changed since then. Colin has gotten so big, and he continues to grow and change every day. I really wish that Daddy could be here to see all that, to experience first-hand like he always wanted to. He would be so proud of his little man! I've changed so much too. My way of thinking and my whole perspective on life is different now. I've learned how family and friends and experiences are so meaningful ... so much more meaningful than any material item ever could be. Time is precious. We are in no way guaranteed our time here. I have learned to make the best of it, as best as I can, each day. I've learned to take better care of myself, so that I can be a better mother. And I've learned to let go of anger, disappointment, jealousy - toxic emotions if kept around too long. If I break a plate, I no longer freak out about it, or get mad. After all, it's merely a plate ... a material item that can be replaced. In general, I guess I've learned to calm down, to keep my anxiety at bay, to *attempt* to focus on the positive, take on only what I can handle, and just breathe. It's still hard, but I think I am learning to adapt to my "new" situation. It's a slow and sometimes very painful process. But I never imagined I'd make it this far with my head still screwed on (although there are still those days when I think I might lose it!). It's amazing what you can do when you have to. That said, I still found today difficult ... mostly because the "date" was stamped into my mind. So I found it really hard to concentrate and get anything done. But tomorrow is another day ...

Love and miss you always Joey!

You're a widow?

2011-02-18T21:30:00.000-08:00

I wonder why it is that I can talk to family & friends about Damien's death relatively easily, yet when I have to tell a stranger that I am a widow, I nearly fall to pieces. I can always feel my eyes welling up. Maybe its the shocked and sad look they give me ... the one that says "Oh my god, you're a widow?, you're so young, and you have this young child, how did this happen?" And these well-meaning strangers always want the details - I guess it's so unbelievable to them. And that always opens the wound again for me.

I took Colin to a free developmental check up at a local kids museum today. It's a great service that checks your child's hearing, vision, teeth, motor skills, speech, etc. I've been a little concerned about Colin's gross motor skills, and I've always noticed that his shoulder were slightly uneven, and he used to have a little bit of a head tilt. Anyway, you have to fill out all this paperwork, including information on the father. Then I have to explain it to the doctors, nurses, therapists, etc. That just shot my day down. As for the little man ... he has low muscle tone (common in Asians - who knew?) and they do want him to go to a physical therapist to work on that, and his posture, and his flat feet (which totally come from Daddy!). He'll be ok ... and I'd like to think I will be too.

Long day ... yes, I am a widow, and I'm exhausted.

V-Day

2011-02-14T21:34:00.000-08:00

Although Valentine's Day has never been my favorite holiday, it's still difficult to face without Damien. We purposely never made too big of a deal out of it, believing everyday should be about love :o) But he always brought me beautiful red roses, and some other little surprise of some sort. Often times, he would cook a special dinner for me, which I loved the most!

But today kind of just came and went, like all the others - I felt a little sad, but mostly ok. My mom's group had a little Valentines Day party for the kids, including food, crafts, and fun with friends. I received some sweet little gifts and messages from friends and family - Thank you much :o) I am blessed to always have people in my life who make sure I never feel alone. And keeping busy helps me get through too.

I will always be grateful for the 10 years I had with Damien, for all the good times we shared, for the family we created. I would never change that. And I will always miss him.

2011-02-11T21:20:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday to my sweetest Damien. I remember all the fun parties and dinners we had for your birthdays. I miss you so much. You will always live on in my heart.

Some great memories:

30-something birthday @ Joe's Crab Shack :o) Although Damien was known for being quiet, he was still a nut and knew how to have a good time!!! I can still hear his laughter.

The Big 4-0 at our apartment in Long Beach - 2005. Good times with good friends - that was always the only thing he wanted :o)

Today, we went over to Damien's memorial plaque to leave some flowers from his mom, stepdad, and us:

Beautiful sunset with a view of Catalina

2011-02-03T21:45:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

Happy Year of the Rabbit!

~Peace and Happiness to all~

Waterfall

2011-01-31T21:29:00.000-08:00

Another day, another letter that needs to be sent off with a copy of the death certificate and an affidavit that needs to be notarized. So I get in the car and head over to the UPS store on Bristol street. The death certificate, again and again ... it is required for just about everything. Having to look at it over and over can prove to be too much at times. To have to see the words ...

Driving back home the memories come crashing down on me like a waterfall. I am surrounded by all the places where our lives took place. I remember all the times we would go to South Coast Plaza to shop or just to walk around. Take the baby on the carousel. Eat at our favorite restaurants. Champagnes, Pacific Whey, Ruby's, Wahoos, Boudin. Spending time together. Talking about anything and everything. Going into labor at Macy's. Seeing shows at the OC Performing Arts Center. Hanging out with friends at Jerry's Deli. Laughing together. Watching the seasons come and go. I could pick up and leave this place, but honestly, I don't want to.

This happens to me whenever I have to deal with the "business of death". It always brings everything to the surface. And there is still so much that needs to be dealt with, but I can only handle it a little at a time. Piece by piece. I continue to take baby steps on my journey ...

The car ...

2011-01-31T16:07:00.000-08:00

On September 22nd of last year, I said goodbye to Damien's car. I could barely watch as the man pulled out of my friends' driveway, drove through the gates and out of sight. A car I could not use, and had no reason to keep, became the possession of a young couple, just starting out together, and in need of a car to share to get them to and from work and school. I had little to do with the actual showing, test drive, and sale of the car - I thankfully have great friends who happily took care of all of that for me. Emotionally, it was just too much for me to take care of by myself. Not to mention that Damien's car had a manual transmission, which I never learned to drive. So all I had to do was show up and sign the pink slip over to the new owner, and the deal was done. The man who bought the car had a nephew who was in great need of a reliable car for himself and his girlfriend. So I really feel that the car went to the right person ... someone who needed it and wanted it, and who was not going to strip it for parts, etc. I know this would have made Damien happy. Anyone who knew him knew that he always wanted to do the right thing. He cared about people, animals, and the world we live in, and always did his best to give when and where he could.

A couple of weeks ago I was taking Colin for a walk in his stroller around the neighborhood. It was getting dark, and we were at the intersection of Del Mar and Elden, fairly close to our house. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a maroon-colored PT Cruiser that had just pulled up to the four-way stop. The hubcaps and roof rack were all too familiar, as was the hum of the engine, so I waited at the corner for the car to drive away. And sure enough ... the familiar license plate, committed to memory a long time ago ... it was Damien's car! A sense of calm came over me, and seeing the car again actually brought a smile to my face. I pointed it out to Colin and said "there goes Daddy's car!". I knew that the new owners lived somewhere in the neighborhood, so I thought it might be likely that I'd see the car from time to time. But I should mention that I was having a particularly rough and stressful day. And I always notice that Damien finds a way to be near me on those bad days. And that was him on that particular day.

Sick days ...

2011-01-05T21:27:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning not feeling so well ... not so much a flu, but headache and sinus problems, and lack of sleep. I really just wanted to lay on the couch all day and mindlessly watch TV. But this is not the case when you have a 2 year old running around, full of energy. I laid on the couch while he watched Sesame Street, but then he really wanted to go outside and play with his new basketball hoop and ball. So I had to give in, but then I later convinced him that we needed to go inside and do puzzles. Nap time couldn't come soon enough for me, so I could lay on the couch some more.

Long after nap was over, I looked up at the clock ... it was almost 6pm and I was exhausted ... and for one half of a second, I caught myself thinking about Damien coming home from work soon. He always came home around 6. And he always helped me with everything, especially when I wasn't feeling well. Sometimes these little "memories" just smack me in the face. On days like this, it's difficult to accept that he's gone. I miss him on so many levels.

And, as always, the house just seems too quiet. I miss the sounds of him playing with Colin, or giving him a bath, and both of them laughing. Damien had a special bond with Colin. Sometimes I do think about how unfair it is that such a wonderful, loving Daddy had to be taken away from his son. I try not to dwell on it though. Staying stuck in the negative for too long isn't going to do us any good. Instead, I try to remind Colin everyday about his Daddy, and the things they used to do, and what a great Daddy he was.

I really should go lay down now and get some sleep.

After all, tomorrow is another day.

New Year

2011-01-04T14:46:00.000-08:00

And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
~Counting Crows~

2011 has arrived, and I'm feeling at least a little bit of motivation now that the holidays are over. I really feel like I have to change some things this year. I can't keep drifting through the days. Here are a few things I am determined to get done in the coming year. Call them resolutions if you want. I prefer to think of it as my To-do List.

1. Lose weight. I know, this is everyone's New Years Resolution. But I'm determined to do this. I need to get healthy, and have more energy to keep up with Colin. I am a stress/emotional eater of sweets and other bad things ... I have to change that. I need to lose 30 lbs to get back to my normal healthy weight. I don't think that's asking a lot of myself, is it? I know I can get there.

2. Get the house and myself organized again. I used to be totally organized - everything had its place, and I knew where everything was. Then we had a baby, and all hell broke loose ;o) Then Damien got sick ... I just couldn't keep up. And it's been an uphill battle ever since. You should see my garage (some of you have!) ... it's scary, and completely overwhelming to me. There's so much stuff I want/need to get rid of. But its a huge task, at least in my eyes. I don't like feeling this out-of-control. I have to change this.

3. Get the finances in order. The savings goes quickly when you're not looking (or paying attention). There's a lot I need to cut down on. Just getting back to the basics (do I really need 200 TV channels?). I still haven't turned off Damien's cell phone. I need to do that (it would save me money). It's just a really difficult thing to do. Each time I get rid of/sell/turn off something of his, it's like another little piece of him is going away. And that scares me. It feels like he's slowly fading away from me. The thought of turning off his phone depresses me, which leads me to go eat a bag of cookies (see To-do List #1). I need to sell some stuff and find some affordable health insurance for me and the little man (the COBRA just went up, and it's outrageous!).

4. Keeping Daddy's memories alive for Colin. I have some ideas for this one, stay tuned ...

Just a few things to keep me busy and keep my mind from going to the sad places. Hello 2011.

Happy New Year

2011-01-01T01:07:00.000-08:00

Goodbye 2010. I can't say that I'm sad to see you go. You've been the hardest year of my life. I need a fresh start. A new set of numbers. A different perspective.

Hello 2011. I hope you bring better things. More energy. Strength. Rest. Time to catch my breath. Recouping and reorganizing. Re-thinking things. Just a little bit of Peace.

Happy New Year! What now?

And so this is Christmas ...

2010-12-30T13:46:00.000-08:00

I managed to make it through Christmas this year, mostly I think by keeping myself super busy. Lots of play dates, baking, hanging out with friends and family, taking Colin to see Santa and Christmas lights and the big tree at the mall. Anything and everything to keep my mind occupied. But in the occasional quite moments, my mind would drift to the obvious. Our 2nd Christmas without Damien. How did we make it this far? Where did the time go? Where do we go from here? When is the hospital going to stop sending me bills? What do I do now? What will our future be? Because our life's path took such an extreme turn, and left us in unfamiliar territory. I always miss him, and think my heart will always have an empty hole in it. Even if it does get smaller with time, it will never completely close. It will just be a part of my life story, and the person I will become.

And all too soon the time will come when I have to start answering the dreaded questions ... "Mommy, why did Daddy go away?", "Where is Daddy?", and "What happened to Daddy?" ... and dealing with all that comes along with that. The cake-topper to all the other "why, what, & where" questions that average parent must answer for their pre-schooler. I haven't even begun to think about how I will handle this.

I will be happy when 2010 is done and over with. I feel as though I just drifted through this past year, a bit aimlessly, helplessly, and with much uncertainty. I hope to spend the next year trying to get back to a certain degree of "normalcy". I hope to get my motivation back. I want Colin to have a wonderful childhood, filled with memories and happy times. This is what I focus most of my time on right now, but I have come to realize that I need to take some time for me too - so that I can get better, be a better parent, and still have a wonderful life. I couldn't do that without my little man, and I am forever grateful for that "parting gift" that Damien gave me.

I hope that everyone has a safe but fun-filled New Years Eve, whether you go to a big party, stay home and watch the ball drop on TV, or sleep through it! And please PLEASE don't drink and drive. Can't stress that enough.

Watching the Boat Parade in Newport Beach with Susan, Laszlo & family

Decorating some Christmas cupcakes

Visiting the neighborhood Santa Claus :)

Reading bedtime stories with Nana

Christmas Eve service at Mariners Church - with Nana and Auntie Sissy

Nana, Colin, and Uncle Richard

Santa brought a play work-bench!

And the two things Colin asked for - a Mavis and a push Percy (battery-operated) - He must have been a good boy!!!

Playing with his Cars set from Nana

Shooting hoops with the new Basketball hoop from Auntie Sissy :)

It's that time of year again ...

2010-12-04T21:40:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving is over and the winter holidays are here once again. I have to face it whether I like it or not. And I can't hide away in Hawaii this time. No, I'm here, and despite the difficulty, I have to start making new holiday memories & traditions for my little man.

Last week I took Colin to the tree lighting ceremony at Fashion Island in Newport Beach. There was singing and dancing, lots of lights and decorations, and it was nice & cold (just the way I like it this time of year). We ran into some friends there, and Colin had fun dancing to the music and having his first hot chocolate.

Today was our annual Snow Day at the park. The city dumps a bunch of snow at Bonita Creek park and turns it into a Winter Wonderland, complete with snowball fights, sledding down hills, train ride, and of course Santa. Colin really loves the snow - I have a feeling he will get into snowboarding just like his Daddy. He enjoyed hanging out with some of his little buddies and throwing snow at Mommy.

I think tomorrow I will try to get the Christmas tree up. Of course I really want to put it up for Colin, but it will be bittersweet. Damien and I always loved doing the tree - going to pick one out, dragging it home on top of the car, putting the lights on it (he always did that since I have no patience :o) ), and finally decorating it with all of our ornaments. And the ornaments are a particular emotional thing for me. Not only did we pick out a new ornament every year from here, but we also brought home from every place that we ever travelled - the kitty snowman from Harrods in London, the scottie dog with a plaid ribbon from Scotland, the kiwi with the Santa hat from New Zealand, the loon from Canada, etc. Then there's that ornament from our 1st Christmas together ... These are things that I can't bear to deal with at this point - I can't even think about looking at them yet. It's too hard.

So this year I did something that I have never done before - I bought a fake tree from Target, complete with lights and pine cones. I felt a little bad about doing it too, because Damien always wanted a real tree every year - he loved the smell of them most of all. But I just didn't think I could handle getting a real tree on my own with a 2 year old in tow ... it's kind of a lot of work for one person. And even my mom said that I have to do what's best for me from now on ... he's not here anymore. Yet I still can't help but feel a little guilty for putting up a plastic rendition of the real thing. But change is good sometimes. And, in many cases, necessary.

As for ornaments, I'm just going to put a bunch of balls up, and maybe some tinsel or trim of some sort. Simple but pretty. Baby steps.

I'm looking forward to spending time with friends and family this holiday season, baking fun holiday treats, spending time outdoors ... keeping busy. Just getting through it, even if that means slapping a fake smile on my face, much like the fake Christmas tree in my living room. I know that someday it will be real again, and that's what will get me through for now.

May Angels Lead You In ...

2010-11-23T21:25:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is my birthday. So hard to believe that another year has passed, the most difficult year of my life. I don't know where the time went. I miss Damien now more then ever, especially with all the holidays coming up. I think of him whenever I hear this song ...

Hear You Me
by Jimmy Eat World

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go
I never said thank you for that
I thought I might get one more chance.

What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in.

An if you were with me tonight
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big
God couldn't let it live.

May angels lead you in
hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in ...

2010-11-17T18:37:00.000-08:00

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

~Dr. Seuss~

The girl in the mirror

2010-11-16T21:23:00.000-08:00

I sometimes don't recognize that person staring back at me in the bathroom mirror. Is it me? Or the shell of someone who kind of looks like someone I used to know. I don't look the same, and I sure don't feel the same. I look so much older. Tired. Worn-out. Sad. Pale. Still trying to shake the baby weight. Bags under my eyes and hair thin from the emotional stress. I don't know if I really look like this or if this is just the way my mind now sees myself, if that makes any sense. Is it real or perceived? I think it's a little of both.

Tired Mom. Stressed-Out Widow. Half the person I used to be.

I hope I can find "me" again, somewhere under this stressed-out anxiety-ridden exhausted person that I've become. I hope to become whole again someday.

Seasons

2010-11-15T21:44:00.000-08:00

This is my favorite time of year. The air is turning cool & crisp, the temperature is dropping (with the exception of a few freakishly hot days here the past couple of weeks). The liquid amber trees that seem to be on every street start to change from green to yellow to red. The sun moves across the sky differently, and we see the most amazing colors at sunset. The days are much shorter now. The smell of wood-burning fireplaces fill the air at night. It wont be long until we see snow on the mountains again.

This is my 2nd Fall without Damien. Hard to believe. We both loved this time of year so much. Afternoon walks. Warm sweaters. Autumn leaves. The arrival of wintering birds. Sitting on the cool sandy beach, watching the waves. I miss all of it, shared with him.

I can start off having a semi-good day, then all of a sudden, and certain thought or memory of Damien gets in my mind and can literally take my breath away. It's kind of like gasping for air for a moment, followed by a nauseating feeling in my stomach. It's reality hitting me in the face. It only lasts a moment, but the feeling is intense. It makes me think of that song "No Air" by Jordin Sparks:

"So how do you expect me to live alone with just me? 'Cause my world revolves around you, it's so hard for me to breathe ... Losing you is like living in a world with no air."

It's really hard to stand and face the world alone, when I never thought in a million years I'd have to. But I've never once felt angry at Damien. I know that he didn't want to leave us, and if there was any way that he could have stayed, he would have. Despite the pain, I'm really grateful for the 10 years we had together. I'll always feel lucky for that. And of course for having Colin.

We just returned a few days ago from Hawaii - just visiting family. It was a nice trip and Colin had lots of fun with his cousins and Grandma & Grandpa. I had a few of those "can't breathe" moments ... I kept envisioning Damien as a little kid, running around that house. And as a college student, walking down the road. Of course I didn't know him then, but I could still see it, feel it. I saw him in my dreams too. They were so vivid ...

So now we are back home, and it's hard to go from a house full of people to our home with just me and the little man and 2 cats.

It's so quiet here ...

Goodnight Moon

2010-10-22T22:29:00.000-07:00

Long day today. Colin was begging me to read Goodnight Moon to him in his crib (a ploy to stay up just a little bit longer, I think). It suddenly brought back a memory ... Damien, Colin, and I had gone out to dinner one night ... Colin was still little and in his infant car seat. It was a little late, we were driving home, Damien was sitting in the back with baby Colin, who was fussing a bit, and Damien started to recite "Goodnight Moon" to him, which he had always read to him, every night, since the day we brought him home from the hospital. It had immediately calmed Colin.

I miss sweet moments like that. Especially after a long day.

2010-10-20T22:04:00.000-07:00

Some days I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around everything that has happened ... today has been one of those days.

Miss you so much Joey.

Threads

2010-10-18T20:52:00.000-07:00

His clothes. They've been quietly hanging in the closet and neatly folded away in the drawers for over a year now. And today I was feeling like it was time to face it. Or at least make a start at it. I spent the entire day trying to make my way through it. I managed to get through the drawers, and it was completely draining. I'm exhausted. Just from looking at them. But I'm not quite ready to decide what to do with the clothes just yet, so I packed them away in boxes and put them in the garage. *sigh*

There are a couple of t-shirts and sweatshirts of Damien's that I like to wear sometimes, so I kept those out. I may give some of the stuff to family and close friends if they want anything. And of course there are some things I will save for Colin. I plan on having a blanket (or two) made from his aloha shirts.

Why does dealing with his clothes seem so difficult? I guess for me they represent so many memories. I can remember what he was wearing when we went here or there, did this or that. And they are the one thing that "looks" like him, if that makes any sense. The pajamas and t-shirts he wore to bed every night, the dress shirts he wore to work, the suit he put on for interviews and special occasions. The jeans and t-shirts that made up his weekends, and his "nicer" button down shirts for when we went out. The aloha shirts and bowling shirts he typically wore when we went dancing. His favorite pull-over fleece jacket. His snowboarding gear. A box full of ties, a drawer full of socks ... a lifetime of memories from every single day we spent together for the last 10 years. How am I supposed to deal with all of that?

Only time will tell, I suppose.

Yes, please share this blog!

2010-10-17T22:52:00.000-07:00

I have had many people email me wanting to know if it's ok if they forward this blog to someone, usually because they know someone going through the same thing. Please, by all means, share it. I can only hope that I can be of some help to anyone else going through the same thing out there. I have had others reach out to me, and I want to do the same. It's horrible to think that you are alone in all of this, because, unfortunately, there are many others out there going through the same thing.

There is nothing in this blog that I don't want people to read about. I'm a pretty open person. So please pass it on. You can contact me via email as well ... PenguinPatrol@sbcglobal.net. You can also follow this blog ... there is a button on the right-hand column.

And if you are reading this and are in the same situation as me, please know that you are not alone. Stay strong.

Cyndie

Overwhelmed

2010-10-17T22:21:00.000-07:00

There are many days that I find myself saying "where's my head"? I feel overwhelmed by the things I know I have to take care of, and I seem to forget everything that I don't write down. Apparently it's called "widow brain", and functions much like "bridal brain" and "baby brain". Stress & emotions cause you to forget what you are doing, thinking, saying, going, etc. I've found myself driving and not remember where I was headed ... kinda like my brain was on auto-pilot, but sure where we were headed. It's so frustrating sometimes. What did I need from the store? Wasn't I supposed to do something today?

At any given moment, the things running through my head go something like: Where is my cell phone don't forget to return those phone calls Colin has music class tomorrow morning don't let the wet laundry sit in the washer all day my car is due for an oil change how am I going to find health care we can afford I need to call Verizon and turn off Damien's phone service clean out the cat box I can't find my sunglasses don't forget to put gas in the car Colin needs milk call the contractor about the doors what was it that I need to do tomorrow get a pumpkin for Halloween don't forget we're leaving for Hawaii in a couple of weeks make that dentist appointment etc, etc, etc.

Really, it's like that. A lot. All squashed together and going a million miles an hour. It has gotten better, but my mind still feels like its running round in circles. I used to be such a well-organized, put-together person. Having a baby shook that a little bit ... but when I lost Damien, that's when I really seemed to have lost it. I hope to get it back again someday.

Then I find that I just have to give up some of the control, and it's ok. As long as I get the important things done, the rest can wait. I simply need to remember to breathe somewhere in there.

Now, what was I doing???? Someday it will get better.

October 16

2010-10-16T21:52:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe, but today would have been Damien's and my 6th wedding anniversary. Where does the time go? I feel like I was just facing this date last year.

It all started yesterday, when I had the honor of being a bridesmaid in my friend Tammy's wedding. It was to be one day before our anniversary, on the Queen Mary, where Damien had proposed to me and where we had our wedding reception. For a long time, I wondered if I could do it ... if I would be up to it. I had a fear that I would fall apart while standing up there, have a massive anxiety attack or something. But over time I pushed that out of my head. After all, I was really happy for my friend. She really wanted me to be there, and I wanted to be there for her. And so there I was ...

I actually felt fine being up there, except when the priest got to the part of vows where he said "in sickness and in health". It brought forth a flash of Damien's last days, and just how very sick he was, and how we had no idea what was to come. My stomach started to turn. But I snapped my mind out of it, looking at the bride and how beautiful she looked in her dress, how happy I knew she was feeling, and all was right again. I know he was there with me, helping me get through it. It was a beautiful ceremony.

The reception was a lot of fun ... I got to see some old friends of ours that I hadn't seen in a while. We ate, drank, talked, and of course, danced! It felt strange without Damien there, but I know he was there in spirit. I kept expecting to see him walking back to our table with a drink for me. I could totally envision it ... he'd be wearing his dark grey suit with a red shirt, and he'd have that great big smile on his face that he was known for. And we would have danced ...

I miss him more than ever today, and I have to fight my mind from thinking what we would be doing today, if he were here and healthy. We would be spending this weekend somewhere else, the 3 of us together. Maybe a trip to the Oregon coast, or back east to watch the changing of the leaves.

So I'm having a glass of wine here in Damien's memory. It's quiet except for Bruddah Iz playing in the background. My heart still aches ...

A lost treasure found ...

2010-10-03T20:29:00.000-07:00

While Colin was napping today, I decided to try to clean up and organize the garage. I was sorting through stuff that was to go into the "garage sale" and "donation" piles, when I came across something that I hadn't seen in a long time. There, in the bottom of a large shopping bag, was Damien's old light blue cotton blanket. I think he had it since he moved out of his parent's house. It went with his old blue comforter that he had in his apartment when I first met him. The comforter was long gone, but somehow the blanket has always stayed with us. You never know when you might need an extra blanket, right? But we have so many blankets, and it made it's way into the garage over the years. I always meant to donate it to Goodwill. But in the garage it remained. At the bottom of that old shopping bag. It was like it was waiting for me. So I washed it and put it up on my bed.

Damien never had much "stuff". He just wasn't that kind of guy. So it's little things, like this blanket, that mean the world to me.

2010-10-03T17:08:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to my friend Denise ... she would have been 39 today. I've been thinking about her a lot today ... all the fun birthday parties she's had in the past. Which in turn has lead me to think a lot about Damien.

It's just been one of those days ...

RIP Marshall Haas

2010-09-30T21:21:00.000-07:00

My mom's husband and my stepdad, Marshall Haas, passed away on Tuesday, Sept. 14th 2010. He had been quite ill for a while, dealing with his diabetes and pulmonary hypertension. He had been in and out of the hospital numerous times over the past year, usually due to low oxygen levels. He also had to be on oxygen 24 hrs a day. He came home from the hospital at the end of the previous week and was put on hospice care, as it was determined that there wasn't anything else that could be done for him. He passed away 3 days later, peacefully in his sleep.

He was always happy and in good spirits, never complaining about his ailments. He will be greatly missed.

We had gone over to see him the weekend before he passed. He was sitting up in the living room on the sofa, propped up with pillows. He was having a difficult time eating. Colin had just gotten the movie "Cars" and we brought it over to watch. My mom, sister, and I were sitting at the dinning table talking while the boys watched the movie. Marsh seemed to like it! Even though he was tired, he still managed to play around with Colin, and even picked him up for a hug before we had to go home. I know that Colin is going to miss his PopPop ... they always had so much fun together.

Although Marsh did not want a Memorial Service, my mom decided to have a small gathering where the ashes were located in Forest Lawn Cemetery in Cypress, with the Reverend who came to see him from hospice care. He said a few words and prayers and sang Amazing Grace, which was Marsh's favorite song. My mom just couldn't let him go with out something ... and I can completely understand that ... and I'm sure Marsh does too.

My mom with the Reverend.

Marshall's son, Doug.

The three of us with Richard & Angela.

Marsh's neighbors & good friends.

The construction guys who are currently working on Mom & Marsh's house, who became friends with Marsh.

A couple of the employees from Carrows, where my Mom & Marsh would often grab a bite to eat.

Flowers at the Niche

Jamba Juice

2010-09-09T20:27:00.000-07:00

One year has come and gone ... a year full of "firsts" without Damien ... first birthday, first wedding anniversary (would have been our 5th), Colin's first steps, and firsts of all the holidays etc, etc. It's been a very difficult year filled with these "firsts".

But come to find out, these "firsts" have not stopped simply because the first year has passed.

Last Friday I came down with a pretty nasty cold, so I decided to go to Jamba Juice for one of their Coldbuster Smoothies. I didn't think about it much really ... just thought it would be good for me, seeing as I didn't really feel like eating anything. I took Colin to daycare as usual on Fridays, and stopped on the way home to pick one up. I parked and dragged myself out of the car and into the front door ... as soon as I got inside, I kinda froze up. It was a deja vu kind of experience. My head was spinning.

Then it dawned on me just why. You see, about a week and a half before Damien was admitted to the hospital that last time, he was having great difficulty swallowing. He had a horrendous dry cough typical of the disease, and terrible mouth sores due to the immunosuppressor drugs. And because of all that, he had a hard time eating solid foods. So I started making the daily trip to Jamba Juice, picking up smoothies for him just so he could get some calories. I would get him a different flavor everyday, all with immunity and protein boosts. He looked forward to it each day.

It's strange how such little things can bring back such memories.

Well, I made it out of there with smoothie in hand. And I've tackled yet another "first" on a long list of many.

And in these moments I continue to remind myself to "just breathe".

One Year

2010-08-28T15:06:00.000-07:00

One year ago today, around 9:30am, I had to say goodbye to my best friend. I held his hand as they disconnected him from life support and set his spirit free. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. You have followed our story and given us support in the most difficult time of our lives.

Thank you to everyone who has called, sent emails & messages, or spent time with us on this day. Your words and friendship mean the world to me, this past year, today, and always.

Acceptance ... I think that's where I am now. My day to day life has become easier, mostly because I'm used to the way things are. I've accepted that this is the way things are for us, that I cannot change that, and that I must move forward, for both Colin & myself. But still not a day goes by that I don't think of Damien, or that my heart doesn't still ache for him. It just seems that I can deal with things a little better now. I try to keep a positive outlook. I have hopes for a happy and peaceful future. I continue to strive to heal.

So this morning, a few friends came by bearing bagel sandwichs and good company. I then took Colin over to Damien's Memorial to leave some flowers. This afternoon we will be heading up to L.A. to hang out with Richard & Angela. We've decided that today should be a "Celebration of Life" day. So we will find something fun to do. I know that's what he would want.

My Horoscope ...

2010-08-27T21:59:00.000-07:00

I just read my horoscope for tomorrow, and find it quite interesting, given the significance of the date:

Today's experience may be shot through with interruptions, cancellations, or delays, but they do serve a purpose, Sagittarius. This is a time at which things that have no further use are being swept away from your life, and you are going through a transformation yourself that requires you to be a bit more fluid so that it's easy to let go of the old and realign with the new. In these disruptions there will be magic moments to experience if they are what you're looking for.

I've been trying not to think too much on this day last year, although it creeps in a little here and there, no matter what. A horrible memory. An everlasting nightmare. And, although difficult to admit, peace to a person suffering immeasurably. On this day last year, I spoke with Damien for the last time, although I had no idea that it would be the last time. I actually had a nice visit with him in the hospital ... we had no idea what was to come.

I had even made a cute little poster board for him with pictures of Colin & our wedding, etc. I was going to put it on the wall next to the bed for when he came home ... something for him to look at everyday and to give him the strength he needed to fight this thing. Now it sits in the closet somewhere, dismantled and collecting dust.

I am exhausted now, mentally & physically. So off to bed I go, fingers crossed that I don't relive the nightmare ...

I miss him so.

Trying to get through

2010-08-08T20:21:00.000-07:00

As the one year anniversary is approaching, I find myself trying to push all thoughts of it out of my head, for every time I think about it, I nearly fall apart. I don't know how I've made it this far without Damien.

The kind of strange thing is that I feel more lonely now than ever before. Maybe I just need to get past that one year mark to start feeling better. I need to find my "new" self ... that person who must now add "widow" to all the other things that make up her person.

I know I've said it a million times, but I never thought I'd be sitting here today in this situation. I never thought I'd be a single mom. I never thought I'd be without my wonderful husband. I miss him so much.

Funeral Blues

2010-07-13T20:55:00.000-07:00

One year is fast approaching, and I can hardly believe it. While some things have gotten easier, other things feel like they've gotten more difficult. It is a long road, as I have been told by those who have been through it. And as I've said many times before, I'm so very thankful for my Colin, who keeps the joy alive in my heart.

I've always loved this poem, although it is sad. It really expresses the feelings of a person who has lost their partner in life. I've also posted the video clip of the poem being read in the film "Four Weddings and a Funeral". I like the way John Hannah reads it here.

Funeral Blues
by WH Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling in the sky the message "He is Dead",
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever, I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

In Memorium

2010-07-03T22:32:00.000-07:00

How is it that I have a collection of Memorial pamplets already? I have lost some great people in my life this year ...

First and foremost, my wonderful husband - DM

Aunty Jane (Damien's mom's sister) - Stroke

Aunt Cookie (my Dad's sister) - Breast Cancer

Denise (my dear friend) - Heart Disease

~You will all be greatly missed~

A sad day ...

2010-07-03T21:26:00.000-07:00

Today I am once again reminded of just how fragile and precious life is. I attended the Memorial Service of one of my long-time friends, Denise Reda. She passed away Monday, June 28th. She went into cardiac arrest on April 5th, and spent 12 weeks in the hospital fighting for her life. Sadly, her heart was just too weak. Denise was only 38 years old.

I will always remember Denise for her wonderful personality and infectious laugh! She was always so happy, and could make anyone in her presence smile. She truly cared about all the people in her life, and it showed. She loved the ocean, and all creatures big and small that lived in it. She loved music, especially U2 and Bob Marley. She had such a zest for life, which makes it so hard to believe she is gone. I will miss her, and think of her often. I hope she has found Damien, and is keeping him smiling :)

I've been sad this past week, thinking about it all. It's been a while since I've actually talked to Denise. It just makes me realize, even more, that we all need to make the time to be with the people we care about. So if there's a friend or family member you've been thinking about, call them. We are not guaranteed our time here. Make the most of it, and live each day to the fullest. I will do that, and think of Denise and her happiness, positivity, and her ability to embrace life.

I don't know if it's Damien or Denise (or both), but someone has been sending "comfort" my way this past week. The day after Denise passed, I got in my car to go run some errands, and I was just feeling upset. The minute I turned on the car, "Where the streets have no name" by U2 came on the radio. U2 being Denise all-time favorite band. Then when I jumped in that car later that afternoon, "Could you be loved" by Bob Marley came on. Probably Denise's 2nd favorite singer. Anyway, I smiled both times ... thinking of the times we had gone to U2 concerts together, and the Bob Marley Day Festival in Long Beach. Good times! The next day, I took Colin for a walk in his stroller around the neighborhood, and I was feeling down again. I turned down one of my favorite streets (Westminster Ave.) ... its a beautiful quiet street with nice houses and big trees. I could hear a loud car stereo playing at the end of the street (unusual), and as I got closer, I could hear Bobby McFerrin's "Don't worry, be happy" ... it was blaring from the little old car with the driver-side door open. As I walked past, I could barely see the girl in the car ... the seat was pushed all the way back and she was all but a shadow except for her leg hanging out. As I turned on Monte Vista to head home, the music stopped and the car sped away. That was so Denise! My head was at peace for the rest of the day. And finally ... today as Colin and I got in the car to go to Denise's Memorial Service, my stomach was in knots and my head felt like it had all the pressure of the world on it. Reality setting in. And once again, just when I turned the car on, there was Bob Marley singing "Three little birds" ... and from that, I found the strength to get through. As I turned out of the complex and onto the street, I found myself behind a van with a mural of a mermaid surrounded by all sorts of sea creatures. :) Thanks, Denise!

Don't worry about a thing,

'Cause every little thing's gonna be all right.

Rise up this morning,

Smiled with the risin' sun,

Three little birds

Perch by my doorstep

Singin' sweet songs

Of melodies pure and true,

Sayin', "This is my message to you"

2010-06-23T09:13:00.000-07:00

“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.” ~ Inuit proverb

Father's Day

2010-06-22T21:12:00.000-07:00

Sunday was our first Father's Day without Damien. Luckily, I didn't realize that is was going to be Father's Day until the day before, so I didn't have a lot of time to dwell on it. But that didn't make it any less sad. I took Colin over the the Memorial Park in the morning, and we put some pretty purple flowers by Damien's plaque. The park was quite crowded, with lots of people gathered around their loved ones' grave sites and memorials. In a strange way, that made me feel less alone. Not less sad, just less alone. We shared some milk and donuts while spending time with Dada.

I spent a lot of time looking a pictures on the computer of Damien with Colin, which brings back great memories, although still hard to deal with at this time.

That afternoon, I took Colin to Nana & Pop-Pop's house, and we went out to dinner.

Another "first" has come and gone. I can hardly believe it, but it's coming up on a year. I still have the weird "it just happened yesterday and yet it happened so long ago" feeling. It's hard. There's not much else I can say. Each day comes and goes, each with it's share of joy and sorrow. And it's harder than anyone can imagine who hasn't been through it. And there's no way for me to explain it. It's just hard.

The last two pictures were taken January 2009, before we had any clue what was about to happen. Damien was so happy to be a dad & loved Colin with all his heart ... he truly was the best daddy ever!

Coldplay - Fix you

2010-06-18T22:24:00.000-07:00

This song has been stuck in my head for a while now. It was always one of my favorite Coldplay songs, but I never knew how it would hit so close to home someday. It's about dealing with grief (in any of it's numerous forms) ... and in this case, I feel like it's me trying to fix me. ----------------

"Fix You" - Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed When you get what you want but not what you need When you feel so tired but you can't sleep Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you can't replace When you love someone but it goes to waste Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you

And high up above earth or down below When you're too in love to let it go But if you never try you'll never know Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down your face When you lose something you cannot replace Tears stream down your face and I...

Tears stream, down your face I promise you I will learn from my mistakes Tears stream down your face and I...

Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you.

moving forward, one small step at a time ...

2010-06-05T20:43:00.000-07:00

I continue to ask Damien for guidance in the things that I do, and I honestly believe he gives me the signs I need. It may seem strange, but almost every time I ask, something like this happens ...

A couple of days ago, Colin was playing in my bedroom while I was getting dressed in the morning. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth for probably less than 2 minutes. I came out to find Colin sitting on the floor, with a bottle of Damien's contact lens cleaner on the floor next to him. I don't know where it came from, but there it was. The bottle wasn't open, and Colin was just playing with his trains ... but at that moment, it just hit me ... I needed to get rid of all of Damien's medications and miscellaneous bathroom stuff. It wasn't useful, and the baby could get into it. It needed to go.

The funny thing was that I had just recently been thinking about this and pondering if I should just throw it all out. I had an entire box full of all of his prescription meds, some of them chemo drugs and very toxic (like Methotrexate and Imuran). Pain relievers, all kinds of cough syrups, stuff to help the rash. And a bunch more meds to off-set the side effects of other ones. It was sad to see them there, all together. There were no happy memories in that box. He was telling me that it was time to get rid of them, so I did just that today while Colin was taking his nap.

So I got them all out, wrote them all down to put in the huge 3-ring binder I have with all of Damien's recent medical info in it. Then I began the process of removing each one from it's bottle to dispose of ... some could go down the toilet, but most had to be sealed in baggies and wrapped up for the trash. I had to removed the Rx label from each bottle or package (for security reasons), then throw those containers away. It was a long and draining task, but I feel a bit relieved to have gotten rid of that stuff.

I decided to go through the rest of our bathroom as well ... I got rid of all his contacts and cleaners, eye drops, toothbrushes, shaving products, etc. I set aside a few things for Colin ... his favorite cologne, which he only wore on special occasions, his hairbrush, the one razor he's had since I met him, his glasses, and an old bright yellow striped towel he always took to the gym. I took photos of everything else, and out they went.

It was the right thing to do ... he told me so. I always keep my mind and heart open, to hear him. I know he will always look out for us and lead the way for what is next ...

a nice surprise ...

2010-05-21T22:52:00.001-07:00

I came home this afternoon to a nice surprise ... on my doorstep was an amazing floral arrangement, signed "from your Pimco family" :) Thanks guys, for always thinking about us. I know this would make Damien happy.

New Life ...

2010-05-10T22:09:00.000-07:00

Down the middle drops one more grain of sand

They say that new life makes losing life easier to understand

- Jack Johnson

Today my friends Densie & Alex welcomed a new baby boy into their lives ... Archer arrived @ 6:45am, 7 lbs 19 ins. They had a little scare as the cord was wrapped around baby's neck while delivering, but all is well now. Mama & baby are resting and doing just fine. I had the opportunity to visit them at the hospital this afternoon and hold Archer. He is absolutely adorable! I forgot just how small they really are :o) Andrew & Avrum are happy big brothers.

New life is so very precious. I had a little bit of peace and happiness in my soul today. And I was able to stand in the very hospital where I had to say goodbye to Damien, to say hello to baby Archer and welcome him to this world.

Congrats Mama D - job well done ;o) All our love, C & c

Monday ...

2010-05-04T21:27:00.000-07:00

Today was slightly better than yesterday, maybe because I spent a little more time out of the house. I took Colin to music class this morning, then met up with Denise & Avee for a post-nap walk to the park and around the neighborhood.

But I'm still dealing with the flood of recent memories of the three of us. Our perfect little family. This time last year, Damien had just started to get sick, but everything still looked promising. We had no idea ...

Now, the memories just keep filling my head ... they are great memories, just very difficult to deal with at this point.

a rough day

2010-05-03T21:02:00.000-07:00

It's been a rough day, or actually, a rough week. I'm not exactly sure why. It sometimes feels like just when things get a little better, they get worse. Two steps forward, one step back.

I just felt like I was in a total fog today, I couldn't concentrate on getting anything useful done. I felt so tired and out of it. I was having a lot of memories today too. I took Colin for a walk this evening and saw lots of couple with strollers ... it just reminded me of how Damien used to love to go walking with us when he got home from work. Then I saw a man and his very pregnant wife walking, and that too reminded me of us, just a few short years ago. We walked around the neighborhood almost every day, with little peanut in Mama's belly. Then I started thinking about the morning we went to the hospital to have Colin, bringing him home, etc ... you can see where this is going. I'm not sure what triggered it.

I found out this past week that a good friend of mine suffered a massive heart attack a few weeks ago. She is very sick and in the hospital, and will need a heart transplant. She is only 38 years old. I'm sure that got my mind going to some degree. My Aunt Cookie (Dad's sister) passed away from breast cancer on April 10th. Although this was expected and she was under hospice care at home, it was still difficult to deal with. I have been thinking about my Uncle Jimmy and their five girls and how hard this all must be for them. Damien's Auntie Jane (his mom's sister) passed away unexpectedly January 10th. Another tragedy for the family. Just seems like sad things everywhere lately.

But tomorrow is another day ... another chance to start over. So I think I'll go to bed and try to dream of a better tomorrow. Another day to spend with my amazing little man, who can bring a smile to my face of the bleakest of days.

My thought of the day ...

2010-04-23T13:21:00.000-07:00

No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again today. - Buddha

I say this to myself everyday as a way of coping. It helps, even if just a little bit.

April 6th

2010-04-06T23:00:00.000-07:00

Today, our baby turned 2, and I can hardly believe it. I can still remember his first birthday like it was yesterday. Damien was just starting to have some problems. It's strange to not have him here with us today.

We went up to Richard & Angela's house, then took Colin to Chuck E Cheese's for the first time ... he really liked it. We just got home and I'm exhausted ... so I will continue to blog about this tomorrow, and post some pictures too!

Goodnight all. Damien, I've been thinking about you so much today ... I miss you.

Tomorrow is another day ...

2010-03-22T21:11:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is another day ... so many people have told me that, and it's something I really do believe in. Especially on the bad days, and today was one of them. It's not that there was anything particularly bad about it, it more of a sad day really. Melancholy. Filled with too many memories to bear.

I was leaving Trader Joe's on 17th Street this morning when I was struck by a memory so vivid. I remember picking Damien up from Hoag Hospital after he had a colonoscopy done, which I think was in June. They wheeled him out to the car and he was a little groggy after the procedure, but in good spirits none the less. I had Colin with me and Damien was just so glad to see the baby. He had sheet after sheet of digital pics from his colon, which made for some good jokes ;o) We got home, and Damien just rested for the remainder of the day, watching Colin play. It was just such a strong memory. We were glad to have one more procedure out of the way. I was just happy that he was home.

I miss him not being home anymore.

The 7 Stages of Grief ...

2010-03-16T13:14:00.000-07:00

There are basically 7 stages of Grief that a person goes through when they lose a loved one. They are:

1. Shock & Denial
2. Pain & Guilt
3. Anger & Bargaining
4. Depression, Reflection, Loneliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction & Working Through
7. Acceptance & Hope

I've been thinking about these stages a lot lately, as I try to move forward ... I say "move forward" as to opposed to "move on" ... there is a difference and I am in no way near the latter. So for me, thus far, it has kind of gone like this:

1. Shock & Denial - Shock I've most definitely experienced. Right from the beginning, and lasting maybe 3 months. I think it's a way your mind "protects" you at first, and allows you to get stuff done. There's so much to think about in those first few weeks and months. As for Denial, I've never experienced it, and being 6 months + out, I don't think I will. I believe this is mostly due to the fact that I was with Damien when he passed away, holding his hand. I saw the doctor remove him from life support, and felt his heart stop beating. There was no way for me to deny what had happened. It is only occasionally in my dreams that I see Damien, "here and now".

2. Pain & Guilt - I've most definitely experienced this. The guilt of wishing I was a better wife somehow, that I could have predicted what was going to happen and have spent more quality time with Damien, instead of worrying about the household chores, etc. To take back any arguments over the years. But I think that's fading a bit now, which is good, because it is a horrible feeling. The pain continues on, some days being worse then others. But when it comes, it is a deep heart-clenching pain, indescribable to those who have not felt it before.

3. Anger & Bargaining - This is a new one for me. Somehow I thought I would sail past the anger part. But it showed up yesterday for the 1st time. I didn't even recognize it at first. I was trying to play a DVD, something I hadn't done since Joey passed away. But I was eating my lunch, and just wanted to unwind a bit while Colin was napping, and there was nothing good on TV. I put the DVD in the player. Then I couldn't figure out how to make it play. Which button was it to change from the cable to the DVD? Could it really be that hard? Apparently, especially when your head isn't completely "here" anyway. I tried everything. Then the TV went to snow, and I couldn't get it back. So I fell apart, right there on the floor. Sobbing uncontrollably, wondering why I couldn't fix something so simple. I was angry that I was alone, and the person I would normally rely on wasn't here to help me. I was helpless. And angry. And messed up. Over the television. If someone would have walked in on that, they may have thought I was crazy. I know I'm not, and it's part of the process. So after about 20 minutes of "calming down", I called AT&T, and they kindly walked me through the very simple steps of how to play the DVD. At this point, I would add a sub-category of this stage of grief, called "Loss of Control". That's exactly what it felt like. As for Bargaining, I've never felt that, and probably never will. I know it doesn't work. That's just my logical mind taking over.

4. Depression, Reflection, Loneliness - Yes, yes, and yes. That's what I'm really in right now. Lots of memories, sadness, and that feeling of being alone. I'd been with Joey for almost 10 years ... it's a difficult adjustment. And so it continues.

5. The Upward Turn - not really yet. Little glimpses of it here and there, but that's all for right now. I know Damien would want me to be happy again. That just seems a long ways off.

6. Reconstruction & Working Through - beginning this stage, just barely. Trying to organize stuff and do the necessary things to keep life moving. There are still things that are difficult for me to deal with ... like his car, his clothes, etc. Not ready just yet, and that's OK.

7. Acceptance & Hope - not there at this point, although I do find that I have some "hope" for the future. I think a lot of that comes from wanting to give Colin a great life. I do find some positive things to focus on. Or I try at least ...

A day in the life (part 3)

2010-02-23T21:13:00.000-08:00

A lesson in single parenthood: It doesn't matter if you get sick, you still have to take care of everything.

I got a fever Saturday night, then I seemed ok the past two days. Then I came down with it again this morning. Fever, chills, sore muscles, sore throat, etc. It's been going around, plus it doesn't help that my immune system is probably sub-par due to stress. Couple that with a toddler who's feeling fine and wants to run around everywhere. "Sit down Mama" (finger tapping the floor beside him - what he does when he wants me to play with him). Mama just wants to lay on the sofa for a little while and watch you play. No way. Colin grabs me by the sleeve of my shirt and pulls 'til I get up. Then it's "Outside Mama". Really? Ok, I guess. I take him into our small back yard area with some toys to play with, while I sit in the sun, shivering with a jacket on. "Eat Mama". That's right ... I have to make lunch ... I almost forgot. Didn't I just make breakfast? It's a Mac-n-Cheese kind of day. That's ok, he doesn't mind - at least I gave him the good organic kind from Mother's Market. "Watch choo-choo Mama", because he wants to watch Thomas & Friends. Oh, wait ... I think Mama can handle that. Then I let him watch a few episodes that I have on the DVR. That's more than I usually let him watch. I feel a little guilty. He already watched Sesame Street this morning. Bad Mama.

So while he naps, I try to clean up. And catch up on emails. And pay some bills (that may or may not be late). I'm completely scattered, and have been for months. I keep trying to pull it together. I'll get there someday I guess.

When Colin wakes from his nap, I feel bad that he's been couped up all day. I decide to take him over to Fashion Island (an outdoor mall) and walk around a bit. Driving down the hill on Jamboree, I could see Catalina Island and the shimmering water of the Pacific Ocean as the sun is just starting to go down. My mind wanders to the time Damien took me there for my birthday. We stayed the weekend and had so much fun. Watched a movie in the old Casino, took a tour of Wrigley Botanical Gardens, ate at this funky old restaurant/bar ... then *snap* ... back to the present. Then of course the PIMCO buildings came into view on the left as we neared the mall. Little pangs of nauseousness hit me. This has how's it's been lately ... lots of memories. He is everywhere. It's a good and bad thing, but right now, it's more of a sad thing.

We went to Barnes & Noble and I let Colin get a book. Then we went over to the koi pond, where he proceeds to feed ALL of the crackers that I packed for his snack to the birds. He is happy, the birds are happy, I still feel not-so-great, but I'm outside at least, and Colin's getting some exercise. Not-so-bad Mama.

As we drove home, I could see all the snow on the mountains, and my mind wanders again. 8 months pregnant and spending the weekend in snow-covered Big Bear, tromping through the snow & ice to get a pizza, looking for bald eagles ... then *snap* ...

It's these little things ...

2010-02-15T20:19:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day ... it's a day to celebrate Love. And not just the love of your significant other, but also the love of family & friends, those who are here & those who are no longer. I expected it would be especially difficult for me this year. And it was, but my friends make sure that I wasn't alone.

I received a lot of cards/emails/texts/phone calls for Valentines Day. I received flowers & the gift of a spa treatment from all of my wonderful Mama friends, and a card that read "you are loved by many". Colin & I were treated to dinner by Richard & Angela, and given two red roses and a box of chocolates, and lots of laughs. Just the way Damien would have wanted it. It's these little things that made all the difference in my day.

I took Colin to the cemetery in the morning to bring Dada some flowers for Valentines Day. It's an amazingly peaceful place, and I find it comforting to be there, especially on such a pretty day.

I was cleaning up the garage (which literally looks like a bomb went off in it) this afternoon, when I came across a box I didn't recognize. When I opened it, I found all the stuff that used to be in Damien's car (sunglasses, Thomas Guide, misc. papers, Cd's, etc.). It just stopped me in my tracks. I put the box aside as I just couldn't deal with it. then, just a little while ago, I was watching the Olympics and they had a special on all the places to go in Vancouver. I started to feel nauseous as I watched. We went to Vancouver for our one year Wedding Anniversary. We had the best time there! And as I watched all the awesome snowboarders, I thought of how much Damien loved to snowboard, and how his board is sitting up in the attic, just collecting dust. It's these little things, these little glitches in the day, that are heartbreaking.

One year ago today ...

2010-02-11T22:18:00.000-08:00

~Life can change in the blink of an eye~

A happy, healthy Damien on his birthday last year.

Celebrating Damien's Birthday ...

2010-02-11T21:32:00.000-08:00

Today was Damien's Birthday ... he would have been 45, although most people thought he was closer to 35. He had that young look about him ;)

It felt really weird today ... mostly sad & empty. For Damien's Birthday, I would always make him my homemade carrot cake with cream cheese frosting, which he got to eat all by himself (ok, maybe he would share a piece or two with me!). It was his favorite, and he would be happy to just have that. Then I would make him dinner, or we would go out to a favorite restaurant. We would always get together with Richard & Angela (and sometimes a few other friends) for dinner, usually on the weekend. Sometimes there was a party at the house. We always had so much fun!

I really didn't know what to do this year. My mom came over, and I took her & Colin over to the cemetery, where we put some flowers by Damien's plaque ... I put some orchids since they were always his favorite. We then went to have lunch @ Champagnes, where Damien would sometimes go for lunch during the work week. I picked up a piece of carrot cake there to bring home. Seemed like the thing to do. I ate most of it and put a small piece by his ashes. I also put some more orchids there. I just thought that's what he'd like the most.

I also received a lot of kind messages/emails/phone calls from friends, which means a lot to me. Thank you all for looking out after Colin & me.

This weekend we'll be going over to Richard & Angela's to go out to eat for Damien's Birthday/Valentines Day. I think he'd be happy to know that we were still getting together to celebrate, the same way we always have for each of our birthdays :o) A strange & sad day, but I somehow got through it. Hopefully I'll get some sleep. Tomorrow is waiting for me ...

a beautiful view

Colin by the waterfall

My Mom by Damien's plaque

Mama & Colin

Flowers for Dada

ask, and ye shall receive ...

2010-02-02T21:03:00.000-08:00

I've been dealing with a lot of fears lately ... afraid of being alone ... afraid of not being a good enough parent ... afraid of not knowing what to do in about a million situations ... afraid that something will happen to me. Fear, stress, anxiety - they've all but taken over my life lately. I know longer have my other half to consult and draw strength from. So I do what I do every night ... I ask Damien for his help & guidance ... to point me in the right direction ... to let me know that somehow I'm doing the right thing. That I'm going to be OK.

Today Colin & I were at Trader Joe's, and there it was. As we were walking to our car, there was a large rectangular bumper sticker on the back of a car. It was bright yellow and had large black letters that read "Don't be afraid". Period. Nothing else. No reference to religion or UFOs or anything else. Just simply stated. I just stared. And I knew. He was talking to me. Giving me the sign I needed to see. As we drove away, I saw a girl walk to that car. She was young & pretty, looking at the ground as she walked, with a smile on her face.

And I just knew.

Many things like this happen to me & Colin ... it's how I know he's with us. It's what gets me through the really bad days, along with the comfort of family & friends.

I might just sleep a little better tonight ...

Facing the future ... by myself

2010-02-01T21:31:00.000-08:00

As I stood at the Toyota dealership today, waiting for my car, I was struck by just how much Damien always did for me, and for us as a family. He took care of the cars. And the house stuff. And so many of the little details. He repaired stuff. He would magically fix the computer just before I launched it out the window out of frustration. He gave Colin his bath so that I could have 15 minutes to myself. He let me sleep in on the weekends as he quietly got up to feed the baby. He planned out our vacations. For nearly 10 years he did this.

Now, the cars, house, computer, and repairs are mine and mine alone to figure out. Forget about sleeping in ... at least for a few more years. And Colin ... he is 100% my responsibility now. If he wakes in the middle of the night crying, I have to figure it out. Alone. It's scary sometimes. I try to tell myself that I am strong, that I can do this, that I have to do this. But I don't always believe myself. There are many nights that anxiety and depression set in. Sometime I can feel my heart pounding out of my chest. But I just keep telling myself that I am strong ... I am strong ... I am strong ... and hopefully, one day, I'll believe it. Just breathe ...

So here I am, facing the future, by myself, with my little man by my side. I'm still trying to figure out my new routine, and how to take care of everything. I don't know what the future holds, but I strive to believe that it holds good things for us. That's what Damien would want for us. It's so hard to do it without him, but forward we must go. For Colin's sake if for nothing else. Sometimes I just have to remind myself ... just breathe ...

5 months ...

2010-01-28T20:19:00.000-08:00

Today marks 5 months since Damien passed away. It is so difficult for me to believe. One year ago today, we were a happy, healthy family with our whole lives ahead of us. I would have never believed that something like this could happen to us. But it did, and I'm doing the best that I can to pick up the pieces, though often I'm not sure how to.

Things are definitely more difficult now, mostly likely because I went from being in shock to living in reality. I've been hit hard the past month or two. This place I'm in right now is very painful, lonely, and sad. I just really miss him ... there isn't much else I can say. I miss him so much, and can't believe that he's not here with us anymore. He was my soul mate, and I am but half now.

Damien's Memorial Plaque is now up in the Garden of Reflection at Pacific View Memorial Park. The details are given above. It was placed on Saturday, January 16th. Richard & Angela went up there with us to see it for the first time. It was hard, but I'm glad that it's finally there. I feel like there is a special place for him now, surrounded by trees, flowers, and birds, and overlooking the ocean. I also feel it will help me to move forward, if only a small amount.

Touching Dada's plaque

Angela & Richard

The Family

The space to the right of Damien is for me

Sunset over the Pacific

You are so missed!

A day in the life (part 2)

2009-12-10T16:04:00.001-08:00

Today has been a particularly difficult day for me, and I'm not really sure why. I've been noticing that things have been getting harder lately, and from what I hear from others who have been through the same thing, it's pretty normal.

I'm finding it harder to do the day to day things ... like cleaning up stuff & organizing. And it's still hard for me to tackle the stuff I still have to do for Damien. I want to do it, I just can't seem to bring myself to do so. I totally lack energy. I don't sleep well at night. I feel stressed & overwhelmed. I definitely don't feel like myself. Random memories make me cry.

Everything around here reminds me of Damien ... sometimes that's a good thing, and sometimes not. I've managed to take his shoes out of the closet and move them to the loft, but that's as far as I could get with that. They've been there for weeks now. I guess I'm just not ready to let go yet.

I do try to push myself to make life as normal as possible for Colin, and that seems to help. I do most of the stuff we would usually do, like go for a walk everyday. He's been really clingy lately, I don't know if that's because of his age, or because he senses that something is wrong.

We will be leaving for Hawaii soon for Christmas. I hope the trip will help me to feel better. It will be nice to be with the family & in the place where Damien was from, but that could also be hard too. It will be strange to travel without him. It was one of the many things we loved to do together.

I just keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day ... and hopefully, one day, there will be a tomorrow that feels better.

Just in time ...

2009-12-05T22:37:00.001-08:00

Baby Colin came just in time ... a piece of Damien that will live on. Damien left us too soon, but he gave me the greatest gift of all.

If I Could - Jack Johnson

A brand new baby was born yesterday
Just in time
Papa cried, baby cried
Said your tears are like mine
I heard some words
From a friend on the phone
That didn't sound so good
The doctor gave him two weeks to live
I'd give him more if I could

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could

Down the middle drops one more
Grain of sand
They say that
New life makes losing life easier to understand
Words are kind
They helped ease the mind
Of this, my old friend
And though you gotta go
We'll keep a piece of your soul
What goes out
What goes in

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could

I never realized how good I had it ...

2009-12-02T22:35:00.000-08:00

I sit here tonight, exhausted, with sore muscles and aching joints, my brain all but turned off, no motivation to do anymore than fold up the last load of laundry ... and I never realized (or appreciated, for that matter) just how good I had it when there were two of us (parents, that is). I have a new-found respect for single parents, both moms & dads. I never thought I'd be one of them, but here I am. It was certainly not by choice. I couldn't imagine in a million years that I'd be sitting here in this situation. It makes me think back about how wonderful a dad and husband Damien was. He helped with EVERYTHING, even when he had just come home from a long day at work. Cooking, cleaning, doing anything for the baby, taking care of the cats, or just giving me a break ... so that I could relax, take a bath, make some phone calls, etc. He never complained. Not once. He loved it ... being both a dad and husband. We were everything to him, and he was everything to us.

Now it's just me, and it's so different. I have to be mom & dad, and I'm not really sure how to do that. I guess I'll find out along the way. It's that old cliche of "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone", but it's so true. But despite how difficult this new role is for me, I am trying to learn to appreciate every moment ... because, as we've learned the hard way, life can change in an instant.

Thanksgiving ...

2009-11-26T22:59:00.000-08:00

Today has been hard for me, like I'm sure most holidays will be for the next year. It will be a year of many "firsts". Tuesday was my first Birthday without Damien. And today was my first Thanksgiving. But I'm trying to stay focused on the positive today ...

Damien & I so wanted to have another child, and I get sad sometimes knowing that will never be. But I am so very thankful for the one beautiful happy healthy child that I/we do have. So many people don't get to experience the amazing journey of parenthood, but I have been blessed with this gift. And Damien will always live on through Colin. Our one very precious child.

I thought that Damien & I would be together for many more years. Til we were "old & grey". Til the end of time. Unfortunately, our time on this earth is not guaranteed ... something I never gave much thought to at this stage of my life. But I am so very thankful for the 9+ years I got to share with Damien. Most people go a lifetime without experiencing the bond that we had. He was the most caring, giving, selfless person I have ever known. He was kind. He gave all that he had. A truly gentle soul. He loved nature and all living things. He was the best dad & husband anyone could imagine. He thought of his family before anything else. He loved unconditionally. And I was blessed with him for 9 years. How lucky I am!

I am also very thankful for my family & friends. Especially those who have stuck with me in both good times & bad, happy & sad.

I am thankful for my life, and everything & everyone in it ... it is a life less ordinary than most.

A day in the life (part 1 of many)

2009-11-21T22:35:00.000-08:00

I'm still trying to get used to being on my own ... completely on my own. I know this will take a while, trying to settle into a new routine.

So today I took Colin to My Gym class, to make up for Thanksgiving. I normally take him on Thursday mornings, which are usually filled with stay-at-home moms, grandmas, nannies, and the occasional dad. Saturdays are a bit different, as you can imagine. There were several dads, as well as moms & dads together. It's hard for me to deal with this, as its just another reminder that Damien isn't here anymore. I was already really sad about this when Damien was sick and stuck at home. I'd take Colin out for a little while on the weekends, and I'd see all these happy families and wonder if that would ever be us again. Now it's just so much more permanent. There's no more wondering. But I force myself to push through it all ... right now, it's mostly for Colin, but someday it will be for me too. I want someday to be truly happy again. Another thing that's difficult right now is that sometimes I feel like the only single mom everywhere I go, even though I know that's not true ... probably far from it.

I've been trying to keep busy during the day, especially when Colin is taking his nap. I took one look in our fridge today and almost ran for the hills ... it was so dirty. There were tons of crumbs and bits of food and sticky stuff ... all from the wonderful foods that people have been putting in there over the past several month. I just had to clean it, and it would keep me busy. And I discovered how something as mundane as a fridge could bring back memories. I remember Damien went out & bought it when we moved into our first apartment together in Long Beach. He picked it out on his own and everything. It has held the food & drinks of many good times, either just us on our own, or with family & friends. It has moved from place to place with us. It has never given up on us. So I just had to clean it. One hour, one roll of paper towels, and 20 toothpicks later, it was done.

reality is setting in ...

2009-11-19T21:19:00.000-08:00

Reality seemed to truly hit me tonight. I felt like I had a sort-of flashback. It was 5:45, and I was staring out the kitchen window. I was remembering how I used to stand there, waiting to see Damien driving down the street toward our garage. It always made me happy to see him coming home from work. He'd come in, give me & Colin a hug & kiss, run upstairs to change out of his work clothes & take his contacts out (his eyes always got dry after a day of working at the computer). Then he'd come back downstairs, and either take over baby duty, or cook dinner, or sometimes we'd go out to eat. Then we'd usually go for a walk around the neighborhood. We'd talk about our day.

Just staring out the window tonight reminded me that that would never happen again. Several cars drove down the street and pulled into other garages. His car has be sitting quietly in the garage for months now. I had a mini-meltdown that took me about an hour to get over. It's so eerily quiet here now.

They say silence is deafening ... that couldn't be more true.

A new chapter

2009-11-18T21:45:00.001-08:00

Today Barbara (Damien's mother) went back to Hawaii after staying with us for almost 12 weeks. We went to South Coast Plaza this morning to let Colin ride the reindeer carousel and do a little shopping. Lester (Barbara's cousin) then picked her up around 12:30 to take her LAX. Colin kept staring out the stain glass window by the front door, as if waiting for her to come back.

Tonight will be the first night Colin & I will be alone here since Damien went into the hospital. As I got ready to put Colin to bed, he was looking around for Grandma to say "nite nite" to. The house just seems empty. It's a really strange feeling. It is, however, time for me to figure out my new routine and find my new *normal*. It will be hard, and will definitely take some time, but it is necessary. I have to find a way to move forward. Besides, I know Barbara's family misses her! Colin & I are going to try to get back there for Christmas this year ... it's going to be very hard this year, so it's best to be around a lot of family.

I know I can count on my family & friends to keep be from being "alone".

So begins a new chapter ...

Colin saying "bye-bye" to Grandma

The song in my head ...

2009-11-16T21:05:00.000-08:00

I've had this song stuck in my head for a while now by Robbie Williams (yes, I'm a closet fan - he has a great voice!) ... then I was sitting here watching Dancing With the Stars, and one of the couples did a dance to it ... coincidence?

"Angels" by Robbie Williams

I sit and wait
Does an angel contemplate my fate
And do they know
The places where we go
When we're grey and old
'cos I have been told
That salvation lets their wings unfold
So when I'm lying in my bed
Thoughts running through my head
And I feel the love is dead
I'm loving angels instead

And through it all he offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call he won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead

When I'm feeling weak
And my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
And I know I'll always be blessed with love
And as the feeling grows
He breathes flesh to my bones
And when love is dead
I'm loving angels instead

And through it all he offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call he won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead

I'd like to give thanks ...

2009-11-06T21:16:00.000-08:00

So it's been 10 weeks today since Damien left us. It seems so long ago since I last saw him or spoke to him. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll forget certain things about him ... like the sound of his voice, the feeling of holding his hand, the details of his face. It's scary. I can still hardly believe that he is no longer here.

But one thing I know for sure is that he is present and that he is so grateful that everyone has taken such good care of me. So at this 10 week mark, I wanted to take the time to thank everyone for all that they've done ...

For all the phone calls to make sure that I'm doing OK

For all the food that has filled our pantry, fridge, and freezer

For all the diapers, wipes, food, and other necessities for the baby

For all the cat food, litter, treats, and attention to my other "kids" to make sure they are OK too

For all the visits to our home, to talk, laugh, cry, share stories, or just simply to "be here" for me

For all the cleaning of our home ... sweeping, dishes, laundry, scrubbing, and general picking up of stuff

For making all the phone calls that I couldn't

For stealing me away from the house for a while, just to get out

For the flowers & cards that filled our home

For watching & entertaining Colin so I could get things done

For helping me make the difficult decisions

For the advice & suggestions

For jumping in and helping out whenever needed

For taking care of things without hesitation

For the endless love & support from family & friends, as well as complete strangers who have reached out to me

And most of all, to everyone who came to Damien's Memorial Service, who travelled from near and far, who filled the chapel beyond capacity to say goodbye to a wonderful man ... I am forever grateful & truly thankful ... my heart was filled by all the people who loved Damien & who considered him a friend.

And a special Thank You to my dear friend Denise X, who started this blog in memory of Damien, as a place I can continue to share memories with everyone, and write of the journey I now embark on ... what a wonderful thing for Colin to be able to read one day

And especially to Linda (my sis), Richard, and Angela, who were there with me (and Damien) that night

Thank you all so very much!

Vote for Colin!

2009-11-03T20:38:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone,

Here are Colin's Halloween pics taken @ Belle Aime Studios ... they are having a contest for the cutest costume (like last year), and I hope you'll vote for him!!!!! The prize is a free photo shoot + free 8x10.

To vote:

1. Go to this link: http://belleamiestudios.wordpress.com/2009/10/31/panda-party/

2. To vote, you must write something under "Leave a Reply", then fill in your name & email.

3. Click the "submit comment" button, and that's it!

The kiddo with the most comments wins the prize :o) Thanks so much ... we could use the free photo shoot :o) Hope you all had a fun Halloween.

Take care,
Cyndie & Colin

By the way, Belle Aime Studios did all of the professional pics that you see on this website. They take amazing photographs and are wonderful people to work with :o)

A strange day

2009-11-01T23:12:00.000-08:00

So today I decided that I really needed to clean our bathroom ... I hate to admit it, but it's been months. As I moved everything off the sink to clean it, I decided to take Damien's things and put them under the sink. Maybe I could just start getting used to the idea of not having his stuff around (yet I know it's under the sink, so it's not really gone yet) ... one little step forward ...

Then this afternoon, after Colin got up from his nap, I thought it would be nice to take Barbara to Downtown Disney for dinner & just to hang out with the baby. It ended up being totally crowded for some reason. It took us forever just to find parking. Then it happened (the first of many times I'm sure). We're sitting there eating, Colin's fussing because he wants to get down, and I hear these words being sung over the outdoor speakers:

"I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories ... "

A fairly well known song by Sarah McLachlan. I only hear the chorus ... and when I do, for that one moment, every other sound just becomes garbled in the background. My eyes start welling up, and it's all I can do not to cry. And just as quickly I snap back to reality, the song has faded into the background. I don't think anyone noticed.

I know it sounds weird, but I think it's Damien ... his subtle way of communicating with me (just like in life). Things like this keep happening. Someday I'll write about the hummingbird that keeps coming to our bathroom window ...

I know I'm not crazy.

Colin and his pumpkin

2009-11-01T22:52:00.000-08:00

Here's a few pics of Colin with his pumpkin. We carved it a few days before Halloween.

At Irvine Park's Pumpkin Patch with our pumpkin

Looks harmless enough

Ok that's yucko ...

Colin's spider pumpkin :o)

Halloween

2009-11-01T22:23:00.000-08:00

Colin had a great Halloween ... the Xagorarakis's had us over for a nice dinner, then it was off for some Trick or Treating with the boys! We all know that Damien was with us, because out of nowhere, as I was carrying Colin down the street, he started pointing in the darkness saying "Dada, Dada". This has happened many times now, and I no longer get freaked out about it. It brings me a sense of comfort, knowing that he is there, watching over us :o)

Me & Colin, with Denise & Avrum ... our boys have been friends since they were in our bellies!

Colin with his bucket of candy ... a total pro! However, my little panda refused to wear his hood.

Waiting for the goods ... "more please"!!!!

Damien's Memorial Slideshow

2009-10-23T23:54:00.000-07:00

I wanted to post the slideshow from Damien's Memorial Service ... although it's hard for me to watch, I think it is a very meaningful tribute to him.

Damien's Memorial from Charles + Lauren Films on Vimeo.

A big Thanks to David & Kelsey Pluskat, who created this for me.

The photos remind me of what a wonderful life he had, even though it was far too short. We always had so much fun together. He truly was my soulmate. I miss him everyday ...

5 years ...

2009-10-17T00:29:00.000-07:00

Today would have been our 5 year wedding anniversary, although we've been together for nearly 10 years. It was a really weird day for me ... a combination of great memories & complete sadness. I picked up a cake from King's Hawaiian in Torrance, which is where got our wedding cake ... a yummy Guava chiffon with white icing. I then cut the flowers off of some of our orchids, including the one Damien has managed to keep alive & blooming for years, and my friend Tammy put them on top of the cake. This is actually what I was planning on surprising Damien with this year anyway. My friends took me out for dinner & drinks, then we came back to the house to have the cake. It was actually fun, sharing funny stories about the wedding & other stuff. It was a nice way to spend the evening ... good friends & good memories :o) I may not say it enough, but I love you guys & appreciate everything you do for me.

I know Damien was there with us.

Baby Steps ...

2009-10-10T21:25:00.000-07:00

It's was 6 weeks yesterday since Damien passed away. I finally decided that it was time to do Damien's laundry ... just a small pile sitting in the corner of our bedroom. I couldn't bring myself to touch it until yesterday ... but it felt like the time was "right", as weird as that may sound. Now everything is clean & hanging back in the closet & folded up in the drawers. Baby steps, as they say.

When the time is right, my sister is going to have someone make all of Damien's favorite aloha shirts into a blanket. That will be so nice to have, and to pass down to Colin. Thanks sis :o) ((((( Hugs )))))

Colin's 18 month check-up ...

2009-10-09T10:41:00.000-07:00

Colin is doing great ... he just had his 18 month check-up on Wednesday ... he's now 31 inches tall and 26.5 lbs!!! What a little weed!!! :o) He did have to get 3 shots, which did not make him happy. This was the 1st time Daddy wasn't there to hold him ... Damien always came to every appointment with Colin.

Also, Colin finally started walking last Sunday (September 27th)!!!! Here's the video ... I could only quickly grab my pocket digital camera, so it's a little grainy ... and I also held the camera sideways, and haven't figured out how to turn it around yet on the computer ... but it's super exciting none the less :o)

Go Baby Go!!!!

wondering ...

2009-10-07T22:42:00.000-07:00

Such strange things have been happening around here. Today as I helped Colin pick up some stuff off the kitchen floor, he looked up and said "dada, dada" & smiled ... it was as if he was looking at someone standing above us ... it was both comforting & freaky! I keep asking Damien to guide me, to give me signs ...

This is just one example of many ... and I just can't help wondering ...

Today ...

2009-09-28T12:23:00.000-07:00

This place I'm in right now seems unreal ... I walk around in a fog most of the time, just trying to keep busy & get things done. Yet I feel like I accomplish very little. I guess that's just how it is for now. There are many things I can't face, and probably won't be able to for some time (like the pile of Damien's laundry that should be washed & put away, or thinking about selling his car, etc.). I feel very lonely, even though I'm surrounded by so many friends & family - I guess it's just because such a BIG part of my life is gone. What do I do now? Where do I go from here?

4 weeks ...

2009-09-25T07:51:00.000-07:00

It's been exactly 4 weeks today since Damien's passing ... I can't even wrap my head around that.

Sometimes, it feels like it's only been a week ... and other times, it feels like its been 6 months.

I'm still just trying to take it day by day ...

Words of Hope ...

2009-09-24T22:47:00.000-07:00

My nephew Chris passed along this quote, which makes a lot of sense:

"The deeper the dark, the closer the dawn. However profound the suffering that envelops you, never forget the inner spark of hope and courage. Never lose the capacity to wait with patient enduring."

It made me feel a little better tonight.

Gone from My Sight

2009-09-23T22:29:00.000-07:00

This poem was sent to me from Judy, Colin's Music Together teacher. I'd like to share it, as it provided me with some comfort, and hope it will for others too.

Gone from My Sight

- Henry Van Dyke -

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side, spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone"

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side. And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me -- not in her. And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone", there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"

And that is dying...

Just trying to get through ...

2009-09-22T22:33:00.000-07:00

The hardest thing about pretending that things are "normal" is knowing that they aren't. Every where we go, everything we do, reminds me of Damien & how he isn't with us ...

I miss him more than I could ever explain ...

Death certificate

2009-09-19T16:13:00.001-07:00

Equals the ultimate reality. It was hard to have to pick those up today.

Message from Cyndie

2009-09-15T23:32:00.001-07:00

We had a nice dinner with the fam @ Chaparosa Grill in Tustin ... we wanted to take Earl (Joey's step-dad) out for dinner before he leaves tomorrow. It was just a little weird without Joey there ... I think I will be facing many moments like this in the future.

Message from Cyndie

2009-09-14T22:25:00.001-07:00

I had a rough day today. Great morning spent with friends. But things went downhill in the afternoon. Started to feel nauseus & axiety setting in. Feeling scared, feeling alone without Joey. I sat staring at a giant pile of cards that I ju...st couldn't bring myself to open yet. This is my reality.

Message from Cyndie

2009-09-14T15:30:00.000-07:00

So today is the first day of the rest of my life ... I'm not really sure what to do yet. Maybe I should start by removing the mug on my nightstand that is now full of solidified milk ... yum ... and maybe tomorrow I can manage to removed the soda cans & cups full of left over who-knows-what from my bathroom to the kitchen. Baby steps.

Message from Cyndie

2009-09-13T23:50:00.000-07:00

My love has finally been laid to rest today about 1/2 mile outside of Newport Harbor. I feel that it was the place he would have wanted to be. It was so hard to say goodbye, but I had all of our wonderful family & friends by my side, and many others there in spirit. It was a beautiful send-off. Aloha, Joey ... you will ALWAYS be with us ... we will always love you.

Message from Cyndie

2009-09-12T22:50:00.001-07:00

I am completely exhausted. The service was absolutely perfect. I feel just slightly at peace tonight.

Memorial Service

2009-09-12T14:30:00.000-07:00

No words can express the amount of sadness I feel on this day, and nothing can quantify how much I will miss Damien. He was the most loving husband & devoted father that one could ever ask for. He will always be in my heart, and will continue to live on through our beautiful son Colin. Although my heart aches, I want to spend this day celebrating Damien's life. Thank you all for joining me on this journey of honoring the memory of this wonderful man.

Husband, Father, Son, Brother, Friend, Colleague

With Love,

Cyndie Kam

Message from Cyndie

2009-09-11T23:47:00.000-07:00

It's been 2 weeks now, and it seems like an eternity. Tomorrow will be the hardest part ...

Memorial Service Update

2009-09-10T23:32:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone,

Just a little update on the service ...

The Memorial Service will begin @ 2:30pm, and will probably last about an hour. Everyone is then invited back to the Park Newport Clubhouse for food and drinks.

During the service, there will be a few people speaking about Damien's life. After that, the Reverend will then invite anyone else up to the podium to who wishes to share thoughts and memories about Damien. This will be open to everyone, so if any of you have anything you'd like to share, you will be welcome to do so at that time.

Thanks,
Cyndie

College fund for Colin

2009-09-09T21:45:00.000-07:00

I have had several inquiries regarding donations to a college fund for Colin. That fund was set up today, and now I just need to figure out how to make it available for people who wish to donate. I'll keep you posted. Thank you so much Judy!!

Cyndie

Message from Cyndie

2009-09-07T22:30:00.000-07:00

I had to sort through photos for a slide show at the memorial ... I think it's been the hardest thing I've had to do so far ... looking at all those pics and knowing I don't get to see him again. We really did have a wonderful life together. Now I'm just trying to decompress from all the stress and sadness ...

Message from Cyndie

2009-09-04T11:10:00.000-07:00

It's been 1 week, and now I'm doing the replay-every-moment-of-that-day thing in my head ... trying to figure out where it all went wrong ... wondering if there was something else I could have done. This wasn't supposed to happen.

Colin took his first steps!

2009-08-31T18:27:00.000-07:00

Colin took his first steps with Grandpa Earl behind him and Mama in front. Three big boy steps toward Mama! Just a few minutes ago! Go Colin :-)